TODAY’S TEENAGERS ARE NOT AS BAD AS YOU IMAGINE   

Despite all the alarming news; there is nothing wrong with teenagers, according to  psychologists. Parents just have to build relationships with adolescents and understand what goes on mentally and socially at this stage. What is wrong with teenagers these days? Is it that they are now bolder, more daring and with access to so much information that they think they know it all? These are questions you hear a lot today.

  During school holidays teens  trooped back to their homes where they stay for  months and the parent is worrying on what they are doing in absence of  their parental and teachers supervision. Besides the obvious financial toll of doubting the household supplies, parents of teenagers now have to contemplate a very crucial question: How do I deal with my teen son/daughter? This lot has made a couple of headlines recently. If it is not arson in school, it is fatal fight with colleagues, disappearing from home or involvement in risky group activities.                                                                             

But despite all the alarming news, there is nothing wrong with teenagers. The father of adolescent psychology, Stanley Hall, in his seminal work. Adolescence: Its psychology and its relations to physiology, described   adolescence as a time of “storm and stress”. Writing in 1904, hall, in two famous volumes, acknowledged the fact that teenagers go through tremendous levels of emotional, biological and behavioral upheaval. Hall’s depicted  adolescence as period characterized with high sensation seeking, a time when crime rates are high, susceptibility to media influences and biological development rings true to the teenagers living in 2023.                                                     

According to psychologist “Most teenagers outgrow their ‘troubles’ by the time they are about 15 or16 years and do not graduate to criminals in the future, and not all teenagers live up to the “storm and stress” depiction.   Current  research does not support Hall traditional definition as today’s  majority of teenager are “happy, relaxed, enjoy life, feel able to exercise self-control, enjoy relationships, school , work, look forward to the future, and confident of their ability to cope with the problems life might bring”                                                                               

Yes, a few of them might exhibit characteristics such as rebellion, emotional turmoil, conflict with authority and reckless behavior, but  those who fall in this category are the exception, not the norm. Neurologists and psychologists say that one of the reasons teenagers behave the way they do – problematic- is the fact that their brains are still developing. The pre-fontal cortex,  which is known to assist in judgment and suppressive impulsive behavior  is still  immature The pre-fontal cortex is the front part of the brain that is responsible for self-regulation, sound decision making,judgement and self-control, among many other qualities. It is the pre-fontal cortex that prevents you from saying something silly or engaging in inappropriate behavior. Until 20 years ago, scientists thought that brain development ended in childhood but when scientists were able to use MRI scanners to take pictures and videos of the brain, they found that the brain of a teenager was still developing and continues to develop even in the 20s and 30

Prof Sarah- Jayne Blakemore, a leading British neuroscientist who has been conducting research on the human brain for more than 10 years found that “ there is a significant decline” in grey matter volume in the prefrontal cortex in adolescents.                            

Psychology and neurology aside, some believe that teenagers are largely a product of parenting and are reflection of the community around them. Many counselors, believes that teenagers are not originals, but a sharp (and true) reflection of what is going on around their lives. “Teenagers are at a high point of imitation. What you see in a teen is what they have seen elsewhere, “Even psychologists agree on this, that problematic teen behavior can be traced to inappropriate parenting. Psychologist says that every child is a product of some form of parenting.                                  

“Research indicates that, for example, children raised in a coercive or rejecting environment, or, in an overly permissive and chaotic home, are more prone to ‘problem behavior. Thus, according to counselors we should not ask “What has become of our teenagers?” rather, the question we should be all clamoring to answer is: “What have we made our teenagers to become.                                                                                                      

It is why psychologists, theologians and parenting experts agree that in spite of the storms that could be going on in a teenager’s mind, modeling is important for a teen’s life.“A teenager is the sum total of all Yes’s and No’s they have received in their lives. They are not an alien tribe.

Obviously, your teenager, growing up in 2023, is very different from the teenager of the early 1980s. With the internet in their pockets and a litany of virtual friends on facebook, instagram, snapchat and all, it is safe to say that the teenager of 2023 is having a lot more fun and exposure than the teenager of the 1980s.

The 1980s teenager- whether raised in the rural or urban- would spend their day doing chores and the only form of entertainment was the occasional television and interacting face to face with their friends especially in field games.This is why it is so difficult for the modern parent to break through the wide range of distractions to get to their teenager. Parents have to fight for the attention of their teenagers alongside friends, internet and media. So how do you raise a teenager in 2023 and beyond? . Today’s teens are more outgoing , want to be listened to, have access to a wider berth of information and- parents may not like this- often know more than their parent.

“Most parents today are comparing their teenagers to themselves when they were growing up, when it was the parent’s way or the high-way.Todays parents are not focused on building relationships with their children and it is no wonder they get involved in unimaginable things. Parents today want an all- size- fits-all kind of parenting strategy; one that follows the mass.                                                                           

They all want the same things of their children, they all went their children to get over 400 marks in KCPE, go to national schools where they all get As  and pursue the “top jobs”, even if their children are not cut out for such things. Granted, dealing with a teenager today is quite hard.” Even if you put a password for the computer, they will figure it out. If you choose not to pay for the internet, they will access it from their friends,.                                                                                

Today’s parent should follow the old adage, an empty mind is the devil’s workshop, and tries to keep her teenagers as busy and as engaged as possible. During the long holidays, they   are supposed to send their children on short internships to give them work experience especially around their areas of interests. Hospitals, children’s home and friend’s offices are prime areas for internship.  The teenagers divide their time between internships, sports activities as well as a music and photography/ videography classes. That is over and above attending church camps and teen fellowships.” If you can use the internship experience as a reward for all the hard work they have put in throughout the school term, then it will motivate them.

Another interesting way teenage get occupied is through household chores. Long holidays are also a time when the family house help takes an annual leave and the children take over the household duties. But they should not do it in a punitive way,”  It is all about how you phrase it to your teenagers. Don’t make it look like a punishment, change the narrative and make it like this is our family time, this is our home and we need to take care of it. ”Talking to your teenager is the best way to deal with them. At this stage, what matters most is cultivating a relationship with your teenagers and find out what they know yes; even having that sex talk, a conversation that many parents would rather delegate to teachers, youth pastors and school counselors.

 Parent raising a teenager, should adopt a “boundaries and consequences” approach towards parenting. Intense parenting should also include knowing your children and who they are hanging out with. The other aspect of intense parenting is that the shock factor must go. Parents should stop acting shocked that their “little angels” are now mischievous teenagers.

“Don’t be shocked that the kids are drinking. Accept that as one of the possibilities. Times have changed. Smoking used to be really bad back in the day. Today, that is normal.