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What’s your Style?
Although parenting styles are as many as the number of parents on earth, one thing is true about them — they can nurture or destroy the psychological well-being of children. Depending on the parenting style used, children can sometimes suffer unbearable pain or go through life with psychological scars. Or they could turn out to be well-rounded, confident individuals able to handle the various cards that life deals.
The appropriate parenting style is like a backbone; the spine has to be strong enough to hold the upper body upright. It should also allow for flexibility as demanded by the various positions the body finds itself in. There are, however, parents who lean too much towards one style — either being so rigid that any attempt to flex becomes a cause for family unrest, or being too flexible to maintain a stance or command any respect. Consequently, the family situation becomes characterized by chaos.
The fact that parents come from various backgrounds and traditions means that they learn how to bring up their children based on what they saw with their own parents or those who have been significant in their lives. These experiences shape the way they relate to their children and the outside world.
But many parents are not conscious about their parenting styles until they start having problems with their children. It is like they suddenly realize that their current style does not work anymore, if it ever worked at all!
The fact is, good parenting does not necessarily come naturally. Fortunately, there are skills one can learn to meet the challenges of good parenting.
Although no two parents are identical in the way they relate to their children — including the mother and father of one child — there are some common orientations to parenting. According to research, there are four broad categories of parenting styles.
AUTHORITARIAN
In such a setting, it is common to hear commands such as "Do this.'"; "Shut up!"; "Don't talk to me!"; "You will not go, period!" being barked at the children.
A parent using this style has usually provided a well-ordered and structured environment with clearly stated rules. Authoritarian parents are highly demanding and directive, but not responsive. They are obedience and status-oriented and expect children to obey their orders without question.
Children are expected to accept their parents' judgments, values and goals. Often, the set standards are too high, precise and absolute. These parents are impossible to please and accept the child only when performance is exceptional. Such demands result in the child striving excessively and becoming preoccupied with performance. Children reared in this style may carry out tasks resentfully and miss out on the normal, carefree play associated with childhood.
This style is unreasonably high in psychological control and children reared in this style often end up
- portraying docile obedience or passive resistance
- Showing overt defiance and acting contrary to the parents' desires and values. They may even resort to covert, devious rebellion
- becoming victims of day-dreaming and forgetting at school
- Becoming perfectionists to levels that are stressful
- Becoming perpetual runners, trying to go faster, but never finishing the race.
- Having poor social skills, low self-esteem and high levels of depression.
- Performing poorly in intelligence tests.
Permissive
A child remains on the receiving end of goods and services without making any contribution. The parent "willingly" becomes ' a slave or servant to the child. These parents are non-traditional and too lenient. They pay little, if any, attention to their children's behavior, allowing considerable self-regulation while avoiding confrontation with their children.
These parents bow low and submit to their children whims, demands, temper tantrums and impulsiveness. They become their children's non-evaluative providers of pleasure and comfort.
This style may be caused by ignorance or a sense of helplessness about controlling a child. It could also be as result of desiring to be the dream "good" parent. Unfortunately, children reared in this style acquire negative characteristics. They end up:
Neglectful
The style is characterized by parents' selfishness and lack of interest in the daily activities of their children. They rarely respond to their children's demands and are often unaware of their whereabouts. They are mainly concerned with their own convenience and may even lead very luxurious lives at the expense of their children's welfare.
Children reared in this style lack direction and become wild. In addition they:
- Display disturbances in their relations with peers and adults from early childhood
- Are likely to show impulsive or antisocial behavior such as drug abuse and criminal activities in adolescence
- Are likely to be less achievement-oriented compared with others the same age
- lack self-confidence and self-esteem
- Are often moody and disobedient
- Lack a clear sense of direction.
Children raised in this parenting style are the most disadvantaged
Authoritative
This style is democratic in nature. The parents are both demanding and responsive. They willingly exercise control over their children but also try to be reasonable. They monitor and impart clear standards for their children's conduct. They are assertive but not intrusive or too restrictive.
Their disciplinary methods are supportive as opposed to punitive. They want their children to be assertive and at the same time socially responsible. These parents are encouraging and emphasize self-direction. They ensure that the child becomes an integrated part of the family. They encourage the child to correct mistakes.
According to research, children and adolescents whose parents are authoritative are socially competent, and this is said to be the most suitable parenting style. Children reared in this style: